72 The question

She left me alone. I couldn’t see anything and I was afraid. My Master said that I had to meditate, but meditate what? I couldn’t think in this place. It was terrible. Hours passed and I tried to do something, but it was meaningless, I didn’t know what to do.

If I didn’t know what I had to meditate, I tried to remember what my Master said. She put me in this place for a reason, and I was sure, that her words during this day were more meaningful now than ever. I remembered all our conversation and the only thing that I could think was one question: how much do you know about yourself? When I answer her, she said it was a good answer, but perhaps there was more than that.

I didn’t know too much of myself. I knew who I was but nothing more. I felt like if I was Chen when I asked that. It was a question that it was difficult to answer. It was worth it t meditate about that and trying to forget all the darkness around me.

What I knew about me? I was Sun Yueling, second child and daughter of civil servant of the Duke’s court and her concubine. Youngest sister of a man who was the child of the first wife and never cared about me. I remembered all the hits and kicks I received from him, and nobody did anything about it, not even my mother. I’m also the older sister of a girl who shared mother with me, but she treated me as an enemy, always trying to be noticed and trying to downgrading me in front of the family. I was not loved nor cared, I was simply something that existed for convenience.

I was Sun Yueling who was betrothal to someone who gave my parents promises of gold and power. They didn’t care if that man was good or bad, it was a simple transaction. All my family was happy, all except me. I escaped that fate, I was almost raped and killed. I thought that my life would end as miserable as my life was.

My master saved me, and in that moment I was Yue Liang, and my world changed. My master had asked me if I wanted revenge. And, yes, I wanted it, but I didn’t want blood. I don’t want to kill my family. I wanted to them know who I was now. I wanted them to say how sorry they were for all the years that they treated me like an object. Was it petty? Yes, it was, but I didn’t care, they didn’t deserve any more than that.

I was Yue Liang, sworn sister of Meng Shang with whom I had a life and death crisis and survived together. We had helped each other, and we have had fights with each other, at least I had one with him, because of jealously. But he had talked and now our bond is stronger than before.

I was Yue Liang a petty and jealous… but I was a bad person? No, I didn’t think so. Yes, I had bad traits, but it didn’t mean that I was defined but that traits. Perhaps I would be again jealous of Meng Shang, but now I know that feeling like that is worthless, he is my brother and his happiness is my happiness. Was I a petty person? Of course, but with what I had lived, it was not normal to be like that? I was not a saint or a Buddha. I was a human being even if I was a cultivator.

I think that family is not the one you have born to, but the one you have created. Meng Shang and my Master were my family, and I will protect them. I will help also the Turtle’s Sect. They had treat me with more respect and friendship that many people in my own city. I will protect them as much as I can. Was I a god person because of that? No. Was I a bad person? Also no. What I was? I was only Yue Liang, a cultivator.

But I felt that wasn’t enough. That answered what I was, but not who I was. I could respond almost identical, but I wouldn’t be true. I was more than that.

I sense a creepy feeling, like if I opened my eyes, something would happen. I become more afraid than before. I wanted that the darkness disappeared, I wanted to see the calm brightness of my qi river. Even if it was shallow, it was relaxing seeing it. I didn’t want to be afraid, who would? But I know that was impossible, because that darkness was in my inner self, it was part of me.

Why my inner self were so dark? The part with the soul tree was shining, and green, but it was only a small part and the rest was like this. Why was that? I trembled thinking that perhaps I was the darkness itself. This was not part of me, but me. This was my inner self, the place where my soul, qi and body took a spiritual form. I knew that she was not a bad person, but why she had so many dark places? I was afraid that this was my true self. I only want to see some light in all this black to show me that I was wrong. I wanted to know if that darkness was who I am.

I began to feel a sound, like water. I opened my eyes and I saw a little stream of qi coming to me. It was almost a lonely line of light in all the blackness, but it make me felt better. This was my qi, and answered to what I wanted. Could I move at will my qi outside of its current? I tries to expand the stream and I did it, but it was difficult, but now there was thin light in all that nothingness. Why I could do that? Vital qi was something that was part of me, but it was and energy, it didn’t have consciousness to move like this. I was the one moving it, but it felt more than it was the qi itself ding it. Why?

I remembered who the turtle was like biting my river qi, as if was very dense. I try to do it in that little stream. When I touched, it felt somewhat gelatinous. I did it. So when the turtle was drinking that way, was because of me? Why my vital qi obeyed my commands? I knew it was part of me, but it couldn’t be that easy. I tried to think about it for what it seemed an eternity, but I couldn’t feel an answer, perhaps my Master could answer me, but probably she wanted for me to find the answer.

What was exactly my vital qi? What was exactly the darkness in my inner self? What was exactly my inner self? I had taken it for granted as something normal for cultivators, but it was something more. If my inner self was the place were soul, body and qi were together, that didn’t mean that my inner self was me?  My soul tree was me, the qi was me, the darkness… was also me. All that was who I was. And when I realized that, I was shocked. I felt all my inner self trembling, like an earthquake. Why that was happening?

“Don’t worry about that, you will know soon what that is about.” The warm voice was accompanied by a red light and a beautiful woman with the size of a small girl. “Master!” I yelled happily.

“You have obtained the first true step to master Using Demons and Gods alike. Congratulations. Come with me and see what you have done.”

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